In the world of Narcotics Anonymous (NA) or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) it is often said that resentment is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person dies. Resentment is an anger that we feel toward others and is often unspoken. Thus the only person suffering from this anger is ourselves. Over time, this anger turns to poison that eats us from the inside. It turns us from loving people into those who justify the harm they bring to the world and relationships.
You typically have to be capable of loving a person to reach levels of hatred. We feel this way when we are taken advantage of over and over though relationships. Did you tell the other person they were taking advantage of you? Did you suffer in silence with an expectation that someday they would repay a bill they weren’t aware was accruing? What do you plan to do when they can’t repay the bill, break their legs?
Resentment is holding back an expectation, a hope. It is an attempt to protect yourself from disappointment while falling into a self-fulfilling prophecy of creating that exact disappointment for the future. Asking a person for what you need is healthy in a relationship. Not asking them and allowing them to fail is a selfish attempt to defend against being vulnerable. To protect ourselves and our sensitivities we would risk allowing people to disappoint us, and let that lead to the end of the relationship. You know, the relationship we were trying to protect.
The problem with refusing to be vulnerable and not asking for what we need is that we take away the other person’s ability to consent to our request. We deceptively threaten the relationship if our need is not met without telling the other person the relationship is in danger. How can this be fair? It’s not. The easiest way to relieve resentment in a relationship is to explore our role in how it developed.
Did we tell the other person about our expectation? Did they agree to meet said expectation? Are they capable of meeting said expectation? If the answer to all three of these questions is not “Yes” then we have some responsibility in the development of our own resentment. If the answer to all three of these questions is “Yes” and the other person has not been able to meet our needs, it is also our responsibility to not continue trying to order hamburgers from an ice cream truck.
Think of a time recently that you became frustrated in a relationship. Were all three of these conditions met before you became frustrated? Where might you have been able to make a change to prevent this result?
Boundary setting is one of my personal skill sets. Resentment has long left my life. Let us support you in finding a similar path that matches your goals.