Let’s start off with defining what a boundary is. A boundary is an expectation in a relationship. That relationship can be anything from strangers on the street and the expectation they will not cause us harm to close friends or family and the expectation they will be supportive of us in ways we have asked. The strength of a boundary truly depends on the relationship and if the other person has agreed to and is capable of meeting said expectation.
One of the easiest ways to set a boundary is to start from a place of unconditional positive regard. We want to believe the other person is not trying to hurt us. We might start off by stating that something they did was painful to us and we know they could not have known that before we spoke up. We might then ask that they try to avoid repeating this behavior in the future. Our boundary has now been expressed.
Now we need them to agree to meet this boundary. No one has to do what we tell them to do. That would be a violation of their autonomy, and we wouldn’t want our own autonomy infringed upon. We can ask. They can say no. That is what gives us the right to ask for anything we need. Sometimes a person might negotiate an expectation due to their own boundaries and behavior patterns. A sailor in church might still swear even if they agree not to.
The final step is that we need to set boundaries that people are capable of meeting. Some will agree to anything or expectations they truly believe they are capable of meeting. It is not always the case where people can accurately identify their limitations. If we don’t lower the bar to our expectations and people continue to fail to meet them, the resulting resentment will be our own fault.
The end result to any failed boundary is the termination of a relationship. This should be the last option and not wielded like a baseball bat. Honest attempts to remove harm should be taken first as long as they do not cause more harm or become unsafe. Then, if harm cannot be stopped, the relationship might be healthiest in the past.
Reach out to someone you care about and see if you can talk to them about a recent pain point. See if they can help identify ways to avoid this pain in the future. We are here if you want more professional support.