No parent is perfect. In many cases, parents should only aim to be good enough. What is a good enough parent? A good enough parent is one that uses their position of power and responsibility to reconcile issues at least 51% of the time. That means when there are strong emotions or disagreements, it is the parent’s responsibility to repair any rupture by bringing it to their child. This does not mean the child needs to be let off of bad behavior or maladaptive communication skills. However, it is important as the parent to teach these things to a child in a way they would want to maintain them rather than demand them. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. And good enough parents don’t leave their children in the dark after a rupture to guess if things are okay.
One side of the trauma spectrum a child will learn that their parent is not perfect from an early age. They might learn this from abuse or neglect, but they learn that their relationship with their parent is not one of child to parent that can be depended on for safety. Sometimes these children realize their childhood is different from tv or movies. Other times, they will learn their upbringing is not normal from their peers and those interactions with parents. It is normal to recognize a parent as having normal flaws around the ages approaching puberty or by about 12/13+. The normal progression of a relationship with a parent allows for a child to see that failure is okay and that no one needs to be perfect. However, young children are not likely to notice this unless things are really not okay. Mistakes are okay, but I am not talking about mistakes in this blog.
The other side of the trauma spectrum I have seen in practice is the child who never learns their parent isn’t perfect. These children typically grow into adulthood trying to be “good enough” for their parent rather than the other way around. They struggle with perfectionism and often have a low view of themselves and their abilities. Think of the child who is chastised for bringing home a 98% instead of a 100%. What is that 2% going to do for that child through their life? Maybe cause anxiety, depression, or worse CPTSD. Children are not responsible for being good enough to the parent. It is most important for the parent to be good enough for the child. Then the child will have a safe foundation on which to grow. Flexible parenting is important in these relationships.
I remember growing up Catholic and attending CCD, later called SRI. I went all the way to completing confirmation through this process. Once I was confirmed, I started to point out the flaws in the practice and hypocrisy of the adults around me. It was about this time that the adults started to ease up on the rules of Catholicism and tell me that not everything has to be followed so strictly. I think this was a good example of the good enough parenting later showing the flaws through flexibility and compassion. The religious guilt was lifted and the rules were now only a guide rather than written in stone. It is the parent who has to show the child when to take life so seriously and when not to. It is the parent who is responsible to teach motivation in the case of “laziness”. It is the parent on whom the child’s identity formed through reflection. Everything the child is starts with the parent and is built from that foundation.
The perfect parent problem in trauma is really difficult in CPTSD when a client is unable to even name their parent as part of the process that led to their trauma. Dr. Gabor Mate discusses how the traumatic part of any trauma is not having anyone to talk to about the traumatic event. The isolation and pain gets internalized into guilt and shame. It is the parent’s place to create a safe space for the child to want to be open with them. This is the greatest protective factor against trauma. I say all this as a child who grew up and as a parent who seeks to fix the wounds of the past in preventing them from being passed down. Take what you want from this and leave the rest. Being good enough only requires being human and recognizing our own flaws for the sake of those who depend on us.