A lot of online culture will tell you the thing that women are actually looking for good looks in a partner. However, a study across 68,000 people and over 150 countries noted that although looks do make a dent, they are not the top priority for relationships. Kindness is one of the top qualities along with assertiveness, confidence, and intelligence. The “nice guy” qualities we all hope will be the tide turner actually are. So why aren’t the nice guys landing the dates?
As a reformed “nice guy” myself, I can tell you that I truly believed my “nice guy” attitude was genuine and that I was thinking of others over myself. This was not always the case. I lacked a true sense of who I was as a person. I had an underdeveloped sense of self. I wanted people to like me more than I wanted to be with people who liked “me”. I would prefer to transform and meet the needs of another person rather than understand myself and find those who wanted to be around this version. I was vapid and shallow professing depth to anyone that would listen.
There was a key weak point in the armor of this defensive posture. I could easily become upset with those who did not want to accept my help. Why would anyone be mad at a person they wanted to help when that person was expressing autonomy and not giving consent to this help. Why was I trying to bypass consent even on this seemingly benign situation. Because it wasn’t benign. It was directly tied to how I felt about myself at the time. If I can’t help, I have no value due to lacking a sense of who I was at the time. It was about me. It was selfish.
We don’t get to decide how other people live their lives on any level without taking the ability of them to decide their own life’s direction. You cannot be a good person while emotionally bullying people into allowing you to feel good by helping them against their will. This is not fair. It is deceptive to you and them.
It’s time to ask yourself:
- Do I get mad at people when they won’t let me help them?
- Do I derive my worth from others?
- Who am I?
- How do I know what was the mask and what was me?
- Who am I without a mask?
- What is the difference between a good person and the “nice guy” trope?
- Is it time for therapy?