Sometimes we get stuck in bad situations where we end up hurting others. This could be related to codependency, where we want the person we hurt to be okay again. It can also happen in more abusive situations where a person is upset that things are not getting better despite an apology or attempt at amends. The problem with how amends is being treated in this situation is how it is being used to comfort the person who intentionally or not inflicted harm.
We don’t get to decide when other people heal. This is especially true if we are the one who hurt them. Healing does not happen on our timeline just because we are uncomfortable with not returning to status quo. It can be very uncomfortable to feel like we aren’t forgiven. This is the penance. The discomfort for the harm caused can serve as a deterrent for future harm. It can also strengthen the relationship long term when we are able to show the pain of having harmed people we care about.
This issue also pops up in the enabler relationship. The enabler provides out of guilt over harm and the enabled person continues to hold resentment due to the wound not being addressed. The wound is ignored for creature comforts given to somehow make the wounding process acceptable. This relationship pattern appears often in the world of addiction treatment within family systems.
Another example of the person who caused harm wanting the person harmed to heal quicker often happens in long term relationships or marriages. Many men seem to view intimacy as a way of knowing that everything is okay now in the relationship again. This leads to them placing a focus on what means the relationship is better rather than on the behavior it would take to make said relationship safe again.
The truth of this issue is, the power of forgiveness lies in the hand of the person who was harmed. No amount of pressure or gesture will change that dynamic without harming the relationship. A person who is harmed must have the power to heal in their own time. A person who has caused harm must be willing to accept the discomfort of this dynamic for a time if the relationship is to heal. That is not to say forever or for the harmed person to become an abuser. But it is not the decision of the actor on how much time it takes to heal.