DBT has a skill that focuses on radical acceptance. The idea is to accept what is when it cannot be changed either in the moment of permanently. Radical acceptance is the ability to find a way to allow our brain to take the situation as it is rather than to attempt to force our desires onto any given situation. This is where willingness and willfulness come in. Willingness is this aspect of acceptance. Willfulness is our attempt to force change on something that might not be able to change.
Willingness tends to follow one of the most important rules of improv, yes and’ing. Willingness is taking what is and making something out of it. Many aspects of life are more difficult and create charged emotions due to them not meeting our expectation of what should be. This can be problematic, especially when we attempt to change things into what we want. Willingness is also closely related to the idea of stoicism or the old Sheryl Crow about wanting what we have, not getting what we want.
Willfulness on the other hand is very much following the tone of “yeah, but.” It is our inability or refusal to accept anything that does not meet our expectations. This is especially true when relationships end that we might not be ready to end. That pain and attempt to “just make things work” is a form of willfulness. It takes into account our need and desire while note acknowledging the aspects of consent that are required in any healthy relationship. Willfulness is also closely tied to the more toxic traits of codependency due to the intolerance of others’ emotions. We want people to feel better, but we often want this for the wrong reasons.
We really should aim to be willingly engaged with others and hope for the same in return without expectation. It is often when our expectations of others are not met that willfulness shows its ugly head. Any relationship with healthy boundaries would want the other person to willingly participate rather than be willfully forced into participation. Let’s aim at yes, and’ing our relationships and reduce the yeah, but attitudes. People who continue to spend time with us will show that they are there out of desire rather than coercion.