I feel like there are two typical responses to trauma in a person’s life as it pertains to seeing others in pain. Some people feel that since they have gone through the trauma, others should not have to. Others might see themselves as having survived trauma, so why shouldn’t others have to also go through it. We can often see this in the world with parenting beliefs. Baby boomer parents had a belief that children should struggle to become stronger while younger generations are often trying to protect their children from these issues due to their own experience with them.
The right answer must fall somewhere in the middle, as humans tend to grow from difficult situations. However, we don’t want to traumatize children. The balance of letting children learn from the consequences of life might seem good until children stop coming to parents for emotional support. This often sets children up to be victimized by terrible bosses and abusive partners in life.
The opposite is also not the best way of parenting. We tend to call this sheltering of children. These kids tend to grow up and struggle to adjust to the world outside of their parents’ care around college age. Sheltering can also be known as helicopter parenting. It limits the development of autonomy and critical thinking skills. This type of treatment can easily lead to children blaming themselves for not being able to achieve in the world due to enabling behaviors from parents while also focusing guilt internally.
The greatest way to avoid traumatic reactions to pain or suffering in life is to allow children a healthy level of autonomy with the ability to rely on emotional support from parents when things don’t go well. It is also important to celebrate accomplishment rather than to degrade effort for not achieving high enough. Validation is a strong motivator and a protective factor against trauma. Trauma is traumatic because we believe that we have to face it alone.
Try imaging what this balance might look like. Where would it have fit in your needs as a child? How might you have turned out differently if your caretaker gave you just the right amount of support and protected you from avoidable trauma? How might it feel be able to approach a person you love without feeling judgement?