“Incel” is short for involuntarily celibate. This typically describes men who seek to have romantic relationships and are unable to realize this goal. Thus they are labeled and label themselves as involuntarily celibate. They tend to have a high overlap with communities of toxic masculinity, as touched upon in my post on that topic. Incels appear angry about not being able to have these desired relationships and often share many characteristics of toxic masculinity.
They are also part of an online culture that discusses the “black pill” movement. This movement and belief system feels that feminism is the reason for their celibacy. Whereas feminism actually promotes equality and no labels, “black pill” incels are riddled with labels, inferiority, and powerlessness. The unattractive aspect of an incel is the lack of confidence they have that also creates a sense of resentment and hidden violent intent toward women. Deconstructing from being an incel would require looking at this resentment and examining the expectations they have for women versus themselves. An example of anger toward those who would accept you recently happened on a podcast where a man on the “Whatever Podcast” Debate 22 loses control of his anger toward a woman trying to bring this issue to his attention.
Mane Kara-Yakoubian of PsyPost actually discusses how incels are overestimating how much society blames them and underestimating the sympathy society actually has for them. The practice of “black pill” thought puts people in a position of aggression toward those they would want to attract. Aggression is an adverse behavior in the development of romantic feelings. Toxic masculinity and “black pill” systems align with the lazy conclusion to social dissonance. It is not that I or my behavior is the problem. It is that the system just would never accept me.
This conclusion that fits the definition of cognitive and social dissonance. Instead of having to change the behaviors that don’t match their sense of self, it allows a person to change their belief about what causes them to fail by blaming others. Why is the answer always that someone else has to change? Deconstruction is hard, but it is worth it. It takes so much more energy to do mental back flips making this dissonance make sense. Hating people while believing yourself to be so powerless is such an exhausting mental space in which to exist.
The world has empathy and sympathy for incels and wants them to change to be part of the system. However, a stronger system has control of their emotional validation through bread crumbing behavior that ultimately leads to an abusive relationship with these incels. Abuse victims can sometimes become abusive. This is where we see that seething anger in incel communities toward women.
I wonder if the entire premise that is sold to incels is even true. Are they involuntarily celibate? Maybe they don’t actually want to have sex with people for multiple reasons. I believe that some incels might actually be asexual and lack the urge to conform to find a sexual partner. They could also be on the spectrum of neurodivergency and lack the desire for social relationships, which would include romance. In some cases, we have seen some incels turn out to be other identities on the LGBTQ+ spectrum and struggle with their internalized belief systems about these identities.
The bottom line is that we do not bleed on people who did not cut us. We don’t blame women for our feelings of inferiority; we fix the issues or learn to accept our limitations. It is the responsibility of the incel to deconstruct, and no amount of hate toward another human being is going to change that. You are welcome at the table when you are willing to engage in good faith.
Take some time to think about incel belief systems. What would make a person need to believe what they espouse on the internet? Why are they taught to target feminism (belief in no labels) while existing under a system that oppresses them with labels?